Dot Hunting

The Hunt For The Laptop Of The Gods

I was cleaning out the garage this morning when I made an incredible and important find. Inside an old suitcase, under a dusty stack of Wired magazines, I found a crumbling manuscript bound with a simple piece of soldering wire and a few paperclips for good measure.

As I delicately unfolded the dusty bundle I made a brief scan of the Times New Roman text and realised something truly incredible – what I was holding in my hands was from the days of web 1.0! Near breathless with awe I carefully attempted to read the full document, but without the reassuring backlight of my Apple iPad the task was annoyingly tricky.

With the help of a team of tramps I employ I have now successfully analysed the document and can reveal that it dates as far back as possibly 2009 and is the scrawlings of a typical 21st Century man, detailing his trials as he attempts to find a decent laptop. Working round the clock I have successfully transcribed the fascinating journal onto my netbook and here, for the first time, I can bring you an exciting extract from this forgotten treasure:

Monday, Friday, January 18, 2008

Today is probably the unluckiest day of my life considering how dreadful it’s been. Went to university in the dark and rain, came home in the dark and rain. As I was crossing Wandsworth Bridge I thought I saw a crazed parking warden wielding a sharpened bassoon looming towards me through the mist. As I ran for my life I tripped over a patch of hard air and my laptop went flying over the side into the grey river water. Lying on the pavement, having just thrown two-year’s worth of work into a watery grave, I looked up to see my would-be assailant was merely a friendly rabbit tamer in a cape carrying a portrait of Terence Stamp.

When I got home we were out of biscuits, must remember to buy some. Guess I’m going to have to spend my weekend looking for a new laptop then. At least I smell nice.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

I was all set to leave the house and embark on a spot of laptop shopping this morning and was just studying the A to Z to find the best way to my local shopping centre (I may have walked it thousands of times, but you can never be certain) when I noticed a spelling error in the labelling of nearby Great Milkwaffle Street. Well, you can imagine my horror. I immediately concluded that is was my responsibility to go through the entire atlas in search of errors, document them and send a stern letter to the publishers. At 1am I finished my task and returned to bed, there were only two mistakes, including a picture of a goldfish wearing an eyepatch in place of Westminster cathedral, but I think the public will benefit greatly from this correction.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Came annoyingly close to buying a brand new laptop today, I made it to the High Street and everything. Unfortunately by that stage I was bleeding quite furiously from the bites round my shins from the muskrat I’d annoyed when I accidentally stood on it’s whiskers whilst hiding in the bushes from a particularly aggressive park warden. Also, the shop was closed. Went back to bed after a brief visit to Accident and Emergency.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Went online and bought a laptop, LCD TV and extra laptop memory from Ebuyer.

An extraordinary tale, I think you’ll agree. I’m off to a museum now which has expressed interest in my finding as part of a collection on life before web two point oh.

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